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Ravens lost

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em005Ravens lost. Mer and I aren’t talking. Poker night only served to illustrate my asshole tendencies to a wider audience and I am officially a walking train wreck with an intrusive double chin now that I shaved my lumberjack beard at the request of Herr director…
I’m beginning to think this trip is a time spike like no other in the timeline continuum of the life that is mine.  A spike for my career…A spike in my marriage which teeters on the precipice of disaster as I become a bigger dick with less patience and money but a stronger desire to drink or smoke my way through every evening instead of being the other half of something real…Sure, I could blame my wife for a lot of things but I am 9 years her senior and supposed to be the stronger, more mature person.

But the biggest spike that comes to mind as I wonder if the big one will hit in LA or my plane will crash or I will say or do something on or off set that is completely unacceptable to the thickest skinned of people…the spike I fear most is the one that flags the change of everything in my past as I turn a page and become something I have only dreamed and feared for the last 20 or so years…Will I still know where my home will be if I actually become a success, any kind of success, in this journey/adventure that I can’t help loving and loathing all at the same time…


em007Fuuuuuuccccckkk!!! I leave in three days for LA and besides the impending football game between my Baltimore Ravens and the Colts and my little sister’s poker night birthday party about 45 minutes away from home I have had very little time to focus on anything but the brewing arguments between my wife and I the growing knowledge that at least 50% of my waking hours are spent being an asshole  Sure, I don’t beat my wife or injure small animals but the things I am saying these days with a growing sense of detachment are getting colder, meaner, and worst of all, easier.  I’m not sure if it’s lack of sleep, stress over lack of money, or the ever present fears of failure that are impossible to hide when performing in front of a group of people that have sunk their time and money into something you are unquestionable an important part of…

Did a cog ever just tell the wheel I’m done and roll away without any repercussions?  I highly doubt it and know that I’m not that kind of cog but if Sandals approached me today with some kind of all-inclusive cog vacation in St. Lucia I’d be there in a minute.  I wonder if when this is all over I will be at the beginning of something or at the end?  And I’m not trying to be philosophically hip by asking that by the way…

Man. What a friggin’ night

em005Man. What a friggin’ night.  Been saying friggin’ a lot lately…so many fucking kids around all the time.  Anyway, didn’t sleep much last night in my new office/kid’s room.  Mer calls it my Forty.  A rather intelligent play on the words fort and the fact that I’m forty for my wife I must say…you understand what I mean if you know her.  I’m not questioning her intellect, more surprised by the geography of her element, and a little turned on.

On a short and Scott-like side note, yesterday I sent a dirty email by mistake to Toronto’s top female Casting Director …I’ve only been in Toronto for two months and I’m already burning bridges with my perverse nature...  Yaaaaayyyyyyyyyy Scott!
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Yesterday was a great day

yayyyMood: Ambivolent
Keith of GayKeith has been cast and he couldn’t be more perfect.  But in typical Scott fashion, Scott being me, a good day also concerns me because there’s always been this voice in my head that says I only deserve so many good days. So as they arrive, while I try to enjoy them, I also fear that lesser days must be around the corner.  I’m trying to change this point of view as it is clearly not productive and despite what’s going on all over the world on a daily basis there is still this part of me that would like to believe that I’m a good enough person that I deserve more than one good day in a row. 

Haiti got hit by a massive earthquake yesterday and only two days prior, Northern California was also shook by about a 6.7 tremor…My trip to LA to shoot GayKeith is exactly 16 years after the Northridge quake, and just short of my 16 anniversary of moving to LA.  Sure, it clangs around the head a little and I’ve spent more than a minute or two thinking, “what if the big one hits while I’m there…”

But truth be told, I’m getting tired of being afraid so I say bring it Momma Nature cuz I’ve been waiting 20 years for this opportunity and I’m not about to let a little bit of (or a lot of) earth moving, crust ripping terror get in the way me and my GayKeith. *
*That said Ms. Nature I’d much prefer you choose your wrath for another time…thanks for your attention to this matter.

Xoxoxo Scott of the Earth

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