"Everyone's a little curious. . . aren't you?"

Some kind of time bubble experiment

em010Sitting at Swork in Eagle Rock and I feel like I am part of some kind of time bubble experiment.  Like I never moved away to Canada 7 months ago and today’s just another day that starts with Swork and ends with Polley and I playing Halo and bongloads on my super comfy Highland Park couch in my home that I miss just enough to drive by everyday.  We had our wardrobe fittings for GayKeith last night at Universal and it was interesting.  It felt a little like playing with some kind of twisted Mr.Dress-Up like trunk. I tried on costumes that everyone seemed to love and just aided in reminding me of how I am actually the fatter, Andre The Giant version of the person I used to be.  All the important people were happy with the results so I shall focus on the few things I know how to do and accept this all as part of a process… May the Swork be with you.

My mind is flipping from this time spike

em001Day two in LA and my mind is flipping from this time spike gone wrong that can’t figure out where I am from and where I am going.  Last night we had our first rehearsal, I met Ho-Kwan (GayKeith), and Leslie talked us through a very casual yet focused walk through of the script.  Ideas were suggested, exchanged, entertained, and sometimes nurtured, sometimes tossed.  It was very, very strange for me and I felt a little like the coffee guy sitting in on someone else’s meeting and waiting for my chance to make the Starbucks run before coming back for a quick clean-up.

Hearing others talk and critique a segment of your reality is certainly a test of some kind. Writer Scott wants to scream, Actor Scott can’t remember what acting is and if there ever was an actual Actor Scott and Reality Scott wishes his head would shut-up, listen, and find a flow he could just sit back and enjoy.

It’s certainly a strange role for me as I am the real Scott playing the scripted Scott about a real experience that has been turned into a scripted experience.  Hearing other people comment and suggest on a real experience when in fact they are assisting in the molding of the scripted experience is a trippy situation on the simplest of days but my mind and my personality combined with my “quirks” (nice way of saying fucked up bi-polar mood swings) made this first meeting a little bit of a Scott mind fuck. And to tweak that reality even further, I’m talking about Actor Scott, Writer, Scott, and Reality Scott all sitting there at once, screaming at everything in their heads while trying to keep the outer demeanor of someone(s) who actually knows what he’s/they’re doing…I often wonder how many people would even breathe near me if they could hear what I hear every day…

Travel day

em001Travel day. Gotta finish packing and hopefully take a quality poop in my own bathroom for the last time for the next two weeks and a day.  These are my priorities now.  Can’t wait to sit in a long metal tube for the next 6 hours with complete strangers who all fit into tiny airplane seats better than I do. My favorite part is getting kicked in the back repeatedly while having my large chubby knees crushed by the reclining seat in front which is usually occupied by someone who refuses to stop pushing their seat back despite the indentations in my now swollen knee-caps…At this point in life, first class travel is my number one fantasy.

Today is my sister’s birthday

em003Today is my sister’s birthday. It’s also the day before I leave.  It’s also the day I must reach some sort of peace between my wife and I so I don’t head to land of deviance and expressed desire with a Wall of China-sized wedge between Mer and I.  I’m so afraid to go back to the place I never quite called home for the past 15 years, especially when everything here in Toronto is so up in the air and nowhere near settled. What if I get to LA and I don’t want to leave?  What if I return from LA and I can no longer pretend that Toronto is my new home?  I know that I am more worried about missing Vern the Dog than my wife since at least she understands the concept of a trip… Plus my stomach hurts all the time.  Always churning, not quite settled and never feeling empty, satisfied, or at all quiet.  I’m either nervous or dying…

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