"Everyone's a little curious. . . aren't you?"

Coming to you from the smelly cat spare bedroom

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em005Coming to you from the smelly cat spare bedroom at my mother-in-law’s house in Century City (she says its Beverly Hills…it isn’t). First day on set but technically not our first day of shooting. Great cool studio owned by an even cooler woman.  She’s a total GILF, and European to boot, but before I take off on a sexy older woman tangent I must digress.  The studio was all white and looked like an Apple commercial. We shot the stills for the opening credits and I got to meet a few of the crew members.  All awesome. All way better at what they do than I am at what I do…fear is my friend, fear is my friend.  Kinda nervous around the DP (that’s industry code for Director of Photography, once known as Cinematographer)…Not because he isn’t cool, but because he’s done a lot of films I totally dig and therefore I suffer from lack of worthiness syndrome a little.  Its like Leslie (director) and Adam (producer) have assembled the A-Team and I’m the temp that showed up from party staff (bottom feeder LA based catering company I worked for too many times).  
All that bullshit Scott insecurity crap aside, I had a blast, the bosses loved what they saw, and despite the loud mattress and lingering aroma of cat urine, I’m so excited about tomorrow I can’t even rub one out…

My fear of letting people down had suddenly found a whole room of people to let down

em006Wow. Yesterday was a trip!  Sure, I’ve been nervous about the film and as far as my acting is concerned I’m a little out of practice but when I arrived for rehearsal early on Saturday and saw a room filled with people breaking down each job and scene and action and moment I almost shat my pants.  Suddenly everything was very very real and a random dark sexual episode of my life was really about to become more than just public knowledge.  My fear of letting people down had suddenly found a whole room of people to let down and it suddenly occurred to me that this was really happening and not just another tangential thought that never finds fruition.  Everyone I met was awesome and encouraging and excited and working really hard to make sure they do their best job possible and here I was…some dude who got bored enough to try on some gay for the night.   It’s safe to say I never had any idea that my perversion would be my foot in the proverbial Hollywood door and I never imagined that oral sex would be my big break…I’m just a whore like everyone else.

Make-up and hair tests…whatever those may be

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em007Day four in LA and the sun is back!  We’ve had two rehearsals, one wardrobe fitting and today we do make-up and hair tests…whatever those may be.  A free hair cut is always nice and perhaps some soothing lotion to open up my pores and take ten years off my aging face…wow, less than a week in LA and I’m already self-absorbed and worried about how I look!  I’m tired. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m scared shitless about doing a good job, and most of all I feel detached from just about everything I say or do.  Time spike. Is today a beginning or an ending or both?  After 7 months away I keep getting looks from the local shop owners…you know, those “hey, I know you or I think I know you but where the hell have you been?!” looks.  It’s reassuring to know that people, strangers and all, actually missed me in a random or subtle way.  I guess the word missed is a little strong, I guess its more like I am that lighter that went missing a while back but now that its been found again you suddenly remembered it was lost…Wow, as far as analogies go that’s pretty shitty! I miss what used to be but have to remind myself that its gone and all I have is what I create for the future, whether here in crazy LA or back in the conservative arms of chilly Toronto…
Crazy is as crazy does my friend…tru dat!

Everything is both different and the same now

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em008Slept in a backhouse on the same street I lived on for three years almost a decade ago.  Same street I first broke up with and got back together with my wife.  Same street my now dead dog Sebastian got attacked on the day after Christmas.  Same street I walked up and down over a thousand times and yet, everything is both different and the same now.  Everything is very Taoist and if I’m the Sage then its time to get the parliament in my friggin’ massive noggin to shut the fuck up and start enjoying the river…Time to go and pretend I’m an actor and forget I’m a writer…May the Swork be with you.

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